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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27543718">Your Eyes Could Steal a Sailor From the Sea</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tothineownelfbetrue/pseuds/tothineownelfbetrue'>tothineownelfbetrue</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Disenchantment (Cartoon 2018)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cheesy romance, Elfo might have a thing for abs, Elfo writes a book and Luci finds out, Elfo writes himself as self-insert character, Elfy (female Elfo), Implied one-sided Elfo/Leavo, Luci can't even, Luci wants to capitalize on the success, M/M, Merkimer is the narrator, Romance, That's right. SO MUCH GLISTENING ABS, Writing, as in: the dashing rogue in the book is kinda based on Leavo, cover images straight of a harlequin romance novel, romance novels, sexy pirates, writing about sexy pirates</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:14:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,215</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27543718</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tothineownelfbetrue/pseuds/tothineownelfbetrue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After a disagreement on the merits of cheesy romantic novels, Luci is amused to find out that Elfo's been secretly writing one in his free time.  Even better, it seems to be some kind of bizarre self-insert story that probably says way too much about Elfo's embarrassing fantasies.  So of course, it's a great opportunity for Luci to get a bit of entertainment at Elfo's behalf!</p>
<p>Luci decides to share Elfo's work, to get a laugh, only to find that, instead, people like it.  Normally that'd piss him off, but Luci's been frustrated at the high expenses of running a business and he comes up with a plan to use Elfo's work to add to his own profits. Sure, he may not think that dime novel romantic trash is great reading, but it apparently has a lot of fans!</p>
<p>Turns out, writing a bestselling romance novel takes a lot of work, but it might have some unexpected consequences for their relationship too.</p>
<p>Or: that weird fic that's basically a romance novel about writing a romance novel.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Elfo/Luci (Disenchantment)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Your Eyes Could Steal a Sailor From the Sea</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was written for Nanowrimo 2020.  It's unbeta'd.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was something about being drunk that made even the most uncouth of people somehow turn into philosophers. Luci wasn't sure what it was, but there was always that point, when some jackass would finally have one drink too many and they went from bawdy jokes and bad attempts at song to wondering about the intricacies of their own existence and the universe. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luci wasn't a fan of it.  Though as a bartender, it was his job to keep plying people with alcohol as long as they had the money to pay for it, and though as a demonic bartender, he was thrilled at the prospect of slowly poisoning people with too much drink, he found that the reality was still that he hated when people got thoughtful.  So it was a careful line he had to walk between giving someone enough to get them plastered and not giving them so much that they decided their pathetic lives were worth focusing on.  At the moment, he'd gone too far with this particular patron who was hanging onto the counter and leaning forward with an intense look in his eyes.  Luci was just far enough from him to be barely out of arm's reach so at least he didn't have to worry about being grabbed, but he kept a wary eye on the man anyway, trying to ply him with more alcohol in the hope that he'd soon reach past this introspective state to just being blackout drunk.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The man was too preoccupied with his babbling to notice the full glass that Luci kept trying to nudge in his direction though.   "I loved her, you know," he was saying, his eyes watery.  Luci let out a sigh.  It was one of those, was it?  While not the most intensive of the 'thoughtful introspection' types, these sad sacks dealing with the fall out from their own failed romances tended to be the most annoying.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, she was perfect, you would have done anything for her but she betrayed you, yadda yadda." Luci waved his hand as dismissively as he could. "Look, just keep drinking man.  That's the only solution to the love life blues.  There's no point in getting worked up over losing someone.  You're better off."  Luci tried to rush him through the entire cycle of feelings all in one go, hoping to speed up the process.  At the end of it, he shoved the glass forward again, hard enough that the gesture caused ale to slop over the edge and across the man's sleeve.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He blinked slowly, groggy from the copious amounts of grog.  "You're right" he said, finally, and Luci allowed himself to feel a moment of hope that he'd actually succeeded at changing the subject.  That hope was quickly dashed as the man began to sob, his breath hitching in his throat, "She was perfect..."  The man bowed his whole body forward, burying his face in his hands and actually breaking into tears.  Luci stood there for a second, his ears at half-mast as he watched this embarrassing display.   </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>God damn, what was with humans?  Luci couldn't imagine getting so sappy with stupid lovestruck emotions that he'd actually break down and cry in front of some random cat in a bar.  It was one of the reasons he was grateful to be a demon, where he wouldn't have to ever subject himself to these kind of tumultous, idiotic human feelings.  If the man was looking for sympathy, he wasn't going to find any here. As far as Luci was concerned, if emotions weren't making someone wreak havoc - or at the very least, making them buy stuff from his bar - then they weren't worth having.  And this guy was not buying booze.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Look.  You can either drink and get the fuck over with her, or you can pay your damn bill and get out of here!" He snapped, his foot tapping impatiently at the countertop.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Okay, so it wasn't the best reaction when he was trying to build up customer loyalty, but right now the man was leaving snot and tears all over his wooden counter and that just meant more that Luci would have to force Elfo to clean later.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Speak of the elf.  No sooner had that thought crossed Luci's mind, than Elfo appeared in the doorway, looking chipper.  He made his way over to the front of the bar and clambered up onto the stool with some difficulty.  His legs dangled, swinging in time with the soft hum in his throat.  "Hi, Luci!"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There really was no time for this nonsense of cheerful greetings, not as far as Luci was concerned.  It was bad enough that he had to deal with someone being a sad useless lump, but now Elfo was going to make the situation worse somehow.  The damn elf just couldn't stop with meddling and poking his stupid green nose where it didn't belong.  And, just as Luci had expected, Elfo turned to look at the sobbing man, blinking a few times in that clueless way of his before he seemed to register that something was amiss here.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Oh! Hi there.  I'm Elfo.  Are you okay?"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luci backed away a few steps as the man's head came up from the counter, his face a mess of mingled snot and tears, mottled red and splotchy as he turned his watery gaze on the elf.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"No." He said, voice shaky.  "I'm not."  And then he began to pour out the whole story again to his new audience, the gushing about the perfection of the woman he'd fallen in love with, how much he'd cared about her and how she'd gone and found someone else, leaving him in the lurch with only his pathetic sniveling and the attentions of his own hand to fall back on.  The same old story Luci had heard some variation of so many times in his job as a bartender.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Unlike Luci, though, Elfo actually seemed like he was somehow invested in this pathetic spiel, nodding along with the diatribe and making sympathetic sounds.  When the man spoke of the inevitable betrayal from his beloved, Elfo gasped and reached out to pat at his hand in an attempt at comfort.  Luci rolled his eyes and turned away, scuttling over to the other side of the bar to serve someone else before venturing back.  He stood there, staring at the man's still full glass with a scowl.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Look, I don't want to sound like an asshole-" blatant lie, so much so that even Luci felt the need to take a step back and correct himself, "No, strike that. I don't care if I sound like an asshole. You've been sitting here, crying into your beer and not even buying more of it.  Either drink the damn beer or get out!"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Luci!" Elfo gasped and rounded on him at that, "Can't you be a little nice? Robert has had a very bad day!"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, I've been standing here the whole time. I don't need you to repeat his little sob story for the third time." Luci scowled, "Look, I'm not paid enough to be someone's therapist, but if you ask me, you mortals-" Luci hesitated just a second and quickly amended in a way that would hopefully not draw attention to the slip, "You humans spend way too much time thinking about romance.  It's a useless waste of time.  You should just what I would do.  Go out, get high on some good shit and then fuck some random person and get on with your life..  You'll feel a hell of a lot better."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was something in Elfo's expression that gave away his horror at Luci's suggestion, perhaps it was the tilt of his head or the way his eyes got wide and he bit at his lower lip.  Either way, Luci hadn't been expecting Elfo to be on-board with his suggestion, considering the elf was a sap who loved the idea of holding hands and watching the sunrise with a girl.  The elf had probably never been laid in his life.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"You can't mean that," Elfo said, ignoring the fact that Luci most definitely <em>did</em> mean it and there was no reason to be surprised about that fact when he was a goddamn <em>demon</em>.  Why Elfo would ever think that Luci would be prone to human-style sappiness and emotion was something that would never not be baffling.  The elf's gaze was searching and earnest and Luci had to wonder what mental image Elfo had built up in his head, that he somehow thought anything better of Luci than that he'd act in his own best interests.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sure, maybe the whole "rescuing Elfo from Hell"  thing might have potentially given him the wrong idea, but it had been mostly Bean's idea anyway.  And Elfo hadn't really given a damn about what Luci had risked, down in Hell.  He'd made that abundantly clear with his bitching on the boat back from Mermaid Island.  Ungrateful little bastard.  Even now it still prickled at Luci, despite the fact that the demon had shoved his feelings down deep.  He didn't <em>care</em> about what Elfo thought.  He didn't care at all.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I mean it." Luci said, as flatly as he could manage. "There's no point in feeling love.  It's not even real anyway.  It's just a combination of being horny and wanting to feel important.  You'd be better off just fucking around casually and sparing yourself that kind of attachment.  It's better than crying into your drink like a useless idiot."  Despite the fact that he was supposedly talking about the man in question, his gaze was fixed firmly on Elfo, daring him to disagree.  "And what has this 'Love' ever accomplished anyway?"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"It's the strongest force there is!" Elfo argued, his dander up. "Love can change the world!"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Oh, that old chestnut. Humans - and human-adjacent types - did seem to enjoy that whole 'love is the strongest force' narrative bullshit.  It was in all kinds of their stories, plays and other works.  Love as magic.  Love as a unifying element.  Love overcoming all kinds of adversity that the world could throw at people.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Love being stronger than death.  He could have laughed.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Maybe," Luci said calmly into the face of Elfo's hyperbole about how <em>important</em> and <em>special</em> love was.  "But it can't pay this dude's bar tab."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Elfo blinked, looking from Luci to the man in question.  The guy was staring at Luci, gaze occasionally darting to Elfo.  There was something strange in his eyes, an expression that Luci couldn't really read.  The man wasn't crying anymore though. He seemed confused for a few seconds, swiping away the lingering tears and snot away with his trailing sleeve and letting out a slight cough.  "Maybe uh... I'll just finish my drink."  He took hold of it, ignoring the fact that it was probably salty and watered down with tears from his earlier blubbering, swallowing it down in a couple of thick gulps before tossing a coin onto the table.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luci grabbed the coin immediately, curling his tail around it and dragging it back toward him as the human pushed his palms against the counter and rose to his feet.  He retreated back toward the door, while Elfo stared after him.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Well, at least he was gone.  And that meant the argument was finally done with and Luci had won as far as he was concerned.  He brushed his paws off, grabbing his rag and starting to wipe down the mess on the counter, his tail giving a smug twitch.  He expected Elfo to just order his usual wimpy drink and get back to focusing on his own pathetic life, but instead, the elf kept staring at him.  Luci could feel the eyes on him and ignored them for a few seconds until something in Elfo finally burst and he called out. "Luci! Why did you-"  He stopped, sputtering a little as though trying to figure out the words he wanted.  He drew a deep breath, then started over. "You didn't have to be so mean to him."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luci was unable to resist a dead-eyed stare at that. "...I'm a demon."  It was all the explanation he needed, but Elfo wasn't mollified by that at all.  He drew a short sharp breath and stared at Luci, sitting a little straighter than usual.  Luci met his gaze, unblinking.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, Elfo shook his head, "I know that.  But that doesn't mean you don't feel things." He must have known how Luci would react to that because he backtracked a little, "Not that it's bad! Everyone does!  I mean... I feel things all the time..." His words were starting to devolve into babble, things that were unnecessary because Luci - and everyone else with half a brain, really - knew that Elfo was one of the happiest, most 'feelings'-centric person in Dreamland.  Most people tolerated it because they either didn't view Elfo as a person and thus he wasn't worth paying attention to, or else they thought he was cute in the way that small animals were cute and weren't really noticing that he was just a whiny annoying little sap.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Feeling things has nothing to do with it." Luci said, noncommittal. He wasn't going to touch the idea of whether or not he <em>felt</em> things and what those things might be, but that also wasn't his particular gripe with this situation either.  It wasn't <em>things</em> that Luci necessarily thought were useless.  In fact, they could be manipulated and that gave them an inherent use to demons.  Stuff like greed, for example.  But love?  If it was a real emotion and not simply a result of the human brain going stupid out of of lust, then it was not really great for manipulating unless you were the one that said person was in love with.  And Luci had no interest in having some stupid mortal getting all lovestruck and sappy over him.  He had even less interest in the idea of ever being that way toward some moron himself... it felt too masochistic for even him.  He'd barely been able to tolerate having a girlfriend for long enough to get laid.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And sure, Stacy Ann had presented some other negatives that had nothing to do with sappy emotions, but even those had been too much for Luci to tolerate, without bringing the horror of actual romantic feelings into it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"But you and Kissy-" Elfo began, and it was something that Luci had been taking pains to forget about.  He wasn't sure what kind of madness he'd been going through at the time, that he'd actually not only considered the idea that he might be in love with Kissy, but that he <em>wanted</em> to be.  Temporary insanity was all he could chalk it up to.  Luci wasn't sure exactly what expression he was making at the moment, but whatever it was, it made Elfo pause partway through whatever else he'd been planning to say, discomfort coming into his eyes as he fiddled at the front of his shirt.  He was thinking about whether or not to continue that line of thought and Luci stared at him, narrow-eyed, daring him to try.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hoping he wouldn't because whatever that not-love emotion he'd run across in his fit of insanity had been,  he didn't want to dredge it up again.  He still felt a heavy sensation in his gut when he thought about Kissy and all the things that had accompanied his brief period of dating her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Elfo bit his lip then plowed on ahead anyway.  Luci might almost have admired him actually sticking with it for once instead of wimping out because of a challenge... except that right now Luci would have preferred the elf to just keep his damn mouth shut.  "I mean, you said you couldn't fall in love, I know that.  You said demons don't fall in love.  But then you... uh... changed your mind.  I guess... so maybe you can kind of understand?"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was babble and frustrating babble at that.  "Kissy has nothing to do with this.  And even if she did, it would just prove my point that romance is stupid and relationships are inherently useless."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He didn't have a heart, so she hadn't broken it. But she'd wasted a lot of his time, he reminded himself.  The only good thing that had come of it was the brief window where he'd gotten Elfo worked up into a frenzy of anger and jealousy.  At least that had been fun, giving Luci all sorts of warm tingly feelings deep in his gut.  It had been delicious... </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If there was a good retort for this turnabout on Elfo's argument, using his words to prove Luci's point, then the elf simply couldn't think of it.  He wrung his hands a little, biting his lip.  "I-I'm just saying that it can be a good thing.... you know?  If you just... give it a try.  And... people like it." Elfo's head dipped a little and there was a hint of colour across his cheeks as he admitted something Luci already knew, "I mean... I know I do."  There was something warm flickering in his eyes for just a second and Luci wondered if he was talking about Bean.  Though Elfo had been a little cooler toward the princess lately, in the aftermath of finding out about Bean choosing her evil mother over him when she'd had the chance to bring him back to life, Luci still got the impression that he was holding a torch for her anyway.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Before Elfo's death, it had been amusing.  After going to Hell to bring Elfo back to life, it felt a little like a kick in the teeth.  So he could forgive Bean for leaving him for dead, but he couldn't even thank Luci for marching straight down into the jaws of Hell to get him back?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luci shook that thought off.  It wasn't relevant. "Everyone knows you do."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The flush on Elfo's cheeks deepened. "I... um... I'm not that obvious." He tried to dismiss it, but their eyes met and Luci knew Elfo didn't actually have any counter to his words.  So Elfo reacted the way that Luci had come to expect from him when he was awkward and on the spot.  He crossed his arms and looked at Luci as sternly as he could manage and then tried to come up with some excuse.  "Anyway, it doesn't even matter. Love is a universal concept.  It shows up in all kinds of stories and things and not just human stuff."  Obviously not, or Elfo wouldn't even know about it, considering he'd grown up in a tiny little hidden elf village with no communication with the outside world.  "People like romantic stories for a reason.  They're the best kind!"  He had that stubborn set to his jaw and Luci shook his head, amused despite himself.  Elfo was so bad at this.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"They're popular because they're not real." Luci pointed out the obvious.  "If romance existed like that in real life, then people wouldn't need to read stories about it."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Elfo deflated a little at that, Luci's words hitting home, but he wasn't quite willing to concede the point entirely.  "Maybe it's rare.  That just makes it more precious."  His gaze went distant for a moment, his small green fingers rubbing at the bar top as he bit his lip.  Luci couldn't read into Elfo's feelings and thoughts the way he could with Bean, but he felt like the elf was obvious enough that he could guess what he was thinking.  Bean.  The dumbass was still carrying a torch for her.  It shouldn't have bothered Luci, but for some reason it did.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was a moment of awkward silence as Elfo tried to collect himself.  Luci could have filled it, but he wasn't sure he wanted to tempt the elf into launching into more speeches about love.  The only out was the one Elfo himself had brought up with his talk about stories of romance earlier.  Luci didn't want to think about real-life love, but when it came to the genre of romance in fiction, that was something that he, as a demon, knew quite a bit about.  Most writers - if not all - wound up in Hell anyway.  It was one of the most frequently Hell-Bound occupations after political figures and the clergy.  "Romance in fiction is stupid," Luci said, filling a glass for someone and sliding it across the bar, all without ever breaking away from Elfo's gaze. "It's the kind of idealized tripe that only people with nothing going on in their life can get into.  That's why so many stupid people like fiction.  But it's all the same.  It's just a guy meeting a girl and getting all gooey and nonsensical.  This isn't some kind of literature that requires deep thought to do.  Any idiot could write it."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was warming up to the subject, thinking about the number of writers he'd seen tortured in Hell.  "Yeah, so in Hell, we punish the more literary-types, scholars, playwrights and [other] by making them endure readings of bad pulp fiction and romance novels.  It doesn't take a lot to break them once you start getting into the descriptions of the dashing hero from the story.  The worst part is that most romance books don't even have the decency to just be the unadulterated smut that people really want to see.  Have you seen the number of different euphemisms that writers use instead of just saying the word 'cock'?  It's staggering."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Elfo's cheeks got red at that, so obvious that it was visible even with the green of his skin.  His gaze darted down toward his hands, his fingers clenching against the counter as he wiggled a little in his seat.  Luci couldn't quite tell if he was embarrassed because of the frank talk about sex - which was a possibility, given the way that Elfo seemed to shy away from discussion of the more carnal side of relationships - or if it was just the evidence that Elfo was repressing a bit more interest in sex than he was comfortable expressing.  Before hooking up with Kissy, Luci had been under the impression that all elves were just prudish and shied away from the topic of sex, but dating her had been a major eye opener.  Elves were just as freaky as any other mortal species, in fact their sheltered existence meant that they wound up getting drunk and fucking more often than most races, just to have something to do to pass the time.  Finding that out had been a major eye-opening for Luci, realizing that what he'd assumed was the default was actually just some particular </span>
  <span>weirdness of Elfo's. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He still had no idea how Elfo had turned out like this.  Hell, meeting Elfo's dad had been even weirder to him because the old man was an enormous lech.  It explained Elfo's weirdness when it came to how he reacted to Bean in a way that would have been more creepy if Elfo's entire focus hadn't been on stupid things like wanting to watch the sunrise together.  How was that even something that crossed Elfo's mind? While Luci didn't find Bean attractive in the sense of wanting to do anything with her - other than the vague curiousity about how that might affect him across their bond, when they could both sense each other - he had to acknowledge that compared to the average resident of Dreamland, she was actually pretty good looking.  If it wasn't for Zog's restrictive rules and his tendency to behead people who showed any interest in her, she would not have had any trouble finding sexual partners.  And yet, Elfo's so-called "sexual tension" with Bean involved holding hands and yearning after a kiss or a kind word from her.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was enough to make someone wonder if the elf was even attracted to-</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luci had to stop himself in the midst of that thought.  While Elfo had some strange behaviours, especially in regards to Bean, he'd never given even the slightest indication that he might have been attracted to anything <em>but</em> women.  It was the sort of thing that demons didn't honestly care about - even Luci himself was kind of casual when it came to what he found attractive in terms of gender - but humans and a lot of other mortal creatures seemed to insist on making a big deal out of it.  Luci would have found that to be least tease-worthy than his very heterosexual crush on Princess Bean.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And Luci did try not to read too much into Elfo's orientation.  It wasn't really worth speculating about unless Luci found concrete evidence out Elfo was actually crushing over men... the closest thing he'd seen to anything like that was Elfo's obvious hero-worship toward a certain elf-turned-pirate.  Even that wasn't enough to ping Luci's gaydar, unfortunately.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>No, Elfo was definitely boringly straight.  He was just also boringly a prude.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Elfo sputtered a little, unaware of Luci's line of thought as he tried to explain away the use of such vulgar words. "I- I mean... that word is... I mean... that's not a very... romantic word..."  It amused Luci that the elf couldn't even bring himself to utter the word in question. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"You can't even say it." Luci snorted. "Man, you are just sad.  Maybe you should be the one writing these stupid romance novels. You're at about the same level of boring as the average story.  I'm telling you, people read them because they want to get down and dirty and they're too stuffed full of all these human 'morality' lessons to let themselves indulge in the filthy smut they really want.  Even Bean gets it.  Have you read her stuff?  Girl is horny."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At the mention of Bean, Elfo turned away a little, biting his lip.  If Luci's words had been meant to be goading, to get a reaction from Elfo, he'd succeeded, but he wasn't sure what, exactly, the reaction he'd gotten actually was.  Embarrassment? Maybe.  Elfo cleared his throat. "Not everyone is horny all the time." He stumbled over the word horny, another thing that amused Luci because he'd seen Elfo mention sex in a frank way before, but just not in relation to himself.  Maybe to Elfo sex was just something that happened to other people.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>
    <em>Luci was just going to ignore that he knew that Elfo and Kissy had been intimate.  Kissy had been upfront about it when she and Luci had dated and Luci had never faulted her for her sheer amount of experience where sex was concerned. It was admirable, really.  The idea of Elfo having sex had been the only part where Luci had struggled to wrap his mind around it, but it was only because Elfo and sex were two words that didn't fit well together in Luci's mind. </em>
  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Most people are horny most of the time though." Luci acknowledged enough of Elfo's comment that it was hard to counter his words but pointed out the obvious. Elfo wasn't the norm.  Humans - and elves - liked sex.  "You're not normal.  You know that right?  Most people care more about sex than sunrises."  Elfo's gaze darted away at that and Luci was a little intrigued, but not enough to follow up on it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"It doesn't matter." Elfo said, finally, swallowing hard.  "Maybe people do like sex, but that's not all that romance stories are about.  I should know-" He cut off partway through the statement, leaving Luci to muse over where it had been going.  Elfo probably just meant that he read romance fiction, which Luci had already assumed to be the case.  He probably had a whole bunch of sappy soft-core porn books stashed away under his bed or something and read them every night to get off in his own 'feelings-y' Elfo way.  Elfo avoided going further into the subject by pointing at a random dude across the room. "Speaking of things... there's a customer.  I think he needs a new glass. You should get him a new glass now."</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The man in question had barely touched his glass, let alone drunk enough to warrant a refill.  Elfo's obvious attempt to change the subject was so blatant and ridiculous that it didn't even make sense as a bad excuse.  Still, Elfo struggling to change the subject meant that Luci had won in their little disagreement and he'd take it.  It was never fun to debate Elfo for long, except on subjects where he could either goad the elf into losing his temper or make him cry.  He didn't sense that he'd get the satisfaction of either from this, so he was okay letting it drop.  For now.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, sure." He smirked as he padded across the bar, an expression he knew Elfo spotted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To no one's surprise, by the time he got back from harassing the patron with his bill, Elfo had already skedaddled.  He'd probably run off to go talk to Bean, the annoying little bastard was so predictable.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luci wiped down the counter, the rhythmic motion jostling his thoughts free as he considered how it had all gone down.  Luci had definitely won the argument, at least in the sense that Elfo had been unable to counter him.  He'd also made a lot of good points based on his knowledge of human nature.  But it also reminded him that humans and other mortal creatures were gullible enough to assign the emotion 'love' to the feeling of lust and to associate poorly written, cliche stories with that same emotion for some reason.  He hadn't been lying, the formula for the stories was so predictable that any fool - Elfo included - could have written one and still had the audience eating it up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was all so stupid.  Luci wouldn't have admitted to the elf how well he knew all the tropes, for fear of being grilled on how he knew such things anyway.  Elfo might have thought Luci <em>liked</em> stories like that when in reality it was just because of the general knowledge that demons needed to torture people.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn't like he read things like that in his spare time.  Except maybe ironically.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even then, he was under no impression that it was real.  It was just something he could read and then laugh at.  Especially the sappy parts.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luci shook his head, dismissing any thoughts about it.  He'd been thinking about relationships far too much for any respectable demon.  He'd also been thinking far too much about Elfo for any self-respecting <em>person</em>.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>
    <em>The two weren't related, except in the context of Elfo being someone who loved romance, of course.</em>
  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So Luci turned his focus back to the work.  The very slow work.  Luci didn't normally want more to do, he preferred being lazy when fleecing people out of their hard-earned money, but he found himself wishing that more was going on, that there were more people to talk to.  He would even have listened to the dumbass with the cheating girlfriend, just to have someone to sneer at.  The day crawled on toward evening and the longer it stretched out the harder it became to not think about how Elfo annoyed him.</span>
</p>
<p>
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